Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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