I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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