dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
false alarm. still invincible.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
