well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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