Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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