: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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