Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i would one night stand the shit outta him
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
