Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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