I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
