so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
