At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
