My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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