I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
