I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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