some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you had me at cake vodka
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
