Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
