You work out of a Hotel?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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