i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
