We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
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The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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