oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
