I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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