why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
