just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
