I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
