Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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