i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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