shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
