Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
