I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
