Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
