im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
