i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
