No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
