When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
