you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
zippers are such a cool invention
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
