Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
