does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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