I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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