Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
