Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
