I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
