I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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