i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
