It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
