Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
