i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
