I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
