Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize