I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
