3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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