maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
