I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
