then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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